Codependency Tendencies (What the heck are they?)

I lived my first 40 years pretty good (or so I thought). I married a nice, handsome young man, we had 4 children, I worked and volunteered endless hours. AND I was there for everyone. If you needed something just ask. Actually, you didn’t even have to ask, I'd anticipate what I thought you needed or wanted and I would do just that!

After volunteering for many years with the Catholic Church, I eventually became an employee. As my children began to grow and leave home, I became more enmeshed, it became all consuming. Now I can look back and see what I might have been thinking: “I’ll put everything I can no longer put into my family anymore, into the church. Someone there will always need me. They’ll never leave.”

There it is in a nutshell. I get my good feelings from how YOU (whoever you are) feel about me.

After working several years in the church, the pastor came to me one day and suggested (insisted) I go to therapy. “The church will pay for it,” he reassured me. I wanted to keep my job so what else would I do? So I went, reluctant and more than a little bit angry. I don't believe it was just the pastor who sent me, but the people surrounding him whom I refer to as "priest groupies."

                                         Anything you believe with absolute certainty is rarely true.

After walking in and settling down, the therapist asked, “Why are you here?” I said, “I don’t know. They sent me!” She burst out laughing and said, “Well, where are they? Why aren't they here?Anything you see in another is simply a mirror for yourself!” In reality, I had been singled out for everyone else not having to deal with their codependent issues, including the priest.

I explained my story to the therapist and I observed, “I think Fr. John is really lonely.” She looked at me with ease and replied. “I think you’re right, I think he is really lonely. But the real issue is you. I think you’re really lonely, and I think it’s your marriage. If you ever want to take a look at that I’m here for you.” I politely acknowledged her observation but reassured her it was all fine. She ended with, “Honey, you have codependency tendencies.” Which was a polite way of saying you’re a full fledged codependency addict!

I went back to the pastor and told him that I had codependency tendencies. I added with a tone of attitude, “You people call it codependency. In the midwest, we call it midwest hospitality. And by the way Father, I like being codependent. We are the caring and giving people of the world. If there were no codependents there would be no one for you people to push around!”

Many years later and with many recovery hours under my belt, I am now eternally grateful for that very painful beginning look in to my codependent addiction.

Codependents are actually the crippling and enabling people who do good things for others. We make it about the other person but it is actually about getting our own needs met.

We don’t trust others can live their own lives. We enable, rescue and save others from what should be the natural consequences of their actions. And after we enable, save and rescue, we eventually feel used, unseen and undervalued. Now we’re mad. We blow up. We feel bad. Rinse and repeat! It’s exhausting!

What I have learned is the best thing I can all do for myself and those around me, is to go go out and GET A LIFE! Learn and practice true self care techniques. Rediscover what I love doing, what brings me joy, and puts a smile on my face.. We need to learn to say NO (Guilt Free!), MIND OUR OWN BUSINESS and let others have the privilege of doing the same.

If you need support let us know. We have many resources to share.

#selfcare #evolvetolive #theriverbendhouse #codependency #selfcareawarenessmonth #patihope

Evolve to Live is a non-profit

educational outreach organization

dedicated to raising awareness and

providing resources to people in transition;

by promoting Self-Care as a critical

component of preventative health

medicine.